Reflections on Motherhood

One afternoon about a month ago, while I was at the computer fiddling around in frustration and vain to get my newest blog post up, Alex was crawling around on the floor and got something in his mouth and started choking on it.  Like really choking on it.  I have never been so scared in my life nor have I ever felt so completely helpless.  He was gagging and coughing {a good sign that air was still getting in} with intermittent spurts of choking silence {a bad sign} while his mouth and surrounding area started to turn blue.

Now, I've had choke-y babies before and I'm no stranger to the baby Heimlich, but this was a different kind of choking and I could TELL that something was not right -- this was not food he was choking on.  I didn't know WHAT it was, but I was scared to death that I was going to watch my baby die right in front of me.  I was in a panic.  I yelled for Sophie to bring me the phone and as I frantically tried to dial 911 (which my fingers couldn't seem to figure out) I pleaded with her to say a prayer.  She dropped to her knees right away and began to pray while I was on the phone with the operator and in that moment Alex finally managed to gag up a plastic disc the size of a dime.  The ambulance was already on its way but by the time it arrived he was perfectly fine.  I was still a complete and total mess, but Alex was happy and smiling and ready to get down and play some more.

The actual amount of time in that moment of crisis was a minute or two at best.  Yet in that moment was an eternity of fear and guilt, what ifs and should haves.   The outcome of this story could SO EASILY  have been a different one and the lesson I learned was an easy one -- life is short.  Cherish what you love.  Things can change in an instant and most of the time we have no control over what happens.  I am so grateful my baby's life was spared that day.

Being a mom is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.  This experience, and having the chance to be HIS mom still, solidified even further for me the importance (and necessity) of doing my job as a mother.  Of being a "REAL" mom. {my own personal definition is what follows}: Someone who cares for, nurtures, and does everything in her power to create an environment of peace, happiness, love, and safety for her family.  This is a weighty thing.  And a hard thing at times.  Life is not always easy and in fact in a lot of cases it's really hard.  Right after Alex was born was one of those times for me.  Five little kids are a lot.  I wasn't getting much sleep,  Jane's asthma had just started flaring up, the other kids were high-maintenance in their own ways, Scott seemed to be out of town a lot, and yet -- there were so many times that I felt like there was no possible way I should have been able to function and keep going, BUT I DID.  I felt like the people of Alma in the Book of Mormon when they were in bondage to Amulon.  As they cried mightily unto God for help he answered them:

And I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this I will do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.   -- Mosiah 24:14

I felt this.  I felt strengthened to bear my burdens.  They weren't taken away -- and there were still a lot of them, but I was able to handle it.  I know that the Lord helps us in the time of our need.  He loves us and especially wants to help us while we are engaged in so worthy a work.  And it is a worthy work -- a hard work, but a worthy one.

Do I always love everything I have to do as a mom?  No.  Breaking up fights and trying to get kids to do chores is not fun.  Maintaining patience while never getting enough sleep is not always easy.  But it is all the little things I do each day that ultimately adds up to who I am.  I am a mom.  I do hard things.  It's not always easy and it's not always fun, but it is oh so worth it.  I know I'm not perfect, and my kids know I'm not perfect, but I hope they will always know that I love them and that I love being their mom.  Because I do.