Flashback Friday -- How I Gained my Testimony

Last Sunday I played the piano in Relief Society for the opening song when the regular pianist had to step out for a minute.  As I sat there playing "How Great Thou Art" while trying desperately not to mess up, I had flashback after flashback of all the other other times I've sat at a piano accompanying a hymn and hoping I wouldn't mess up.  In what is surely not a coincidence, the memories in those flashbacks were exactly what I already had in mind for my next "official" Flashback this week.

For the past couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about a talk I gave in church back when I was a junior at BYU.  And since I'm a bit of a pack rat and save almost everything I've ever done, I was able to find a {partial} copy of my handwritten notes from all those years ago.  The topic of this talk was on "How I Gained My Testimony."  I remember getting a phone call on a Saturday night and being asked to fill in at the last minute for someone who wasn't able to be there the next day.  It's funny how memory works, because there are a lot of little details that I remember from this night, and others that seem like they should be just as important to remember but I don't.  For instance -- it was 8 o'clock at night when I got that call.  I remember what time it was and I remember agreeing to give the talk, but I don't remember what else was going on at the time that caused me to feel so stressed and overwhelmed that I fell to my knees shortly after hanging up the phone and poured out my heart {and tears}in prayer as I started to prepare my talk.

Fortunately, giving a last minute talk was not something in and of itself that was super stressful for me -- growing up in a small branch gave me lots and LOTS of opportunities to give talks on very little notice.  But recognizing when and how exactly I gained a testimony, gave me a lot to think about.  After a lot of reflecting and some more praying, I settled upon an experience that was -- at the very least -- a defining moment in my life.  And it happened at the ripe old age of 11...

{This picture was taken when I was roughly 11 years old and to be honest, every time I look at it I cringe a little inside.  Mostly because I remember thinking I looked so cool in this outfit.  I'm embarrassed to even admit that.  Like REALLY embarrassed.  Hahahaha.}

When I was 11, I was asked to play the piano for our ward during Opening Exercises.  Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why we had these.  It wasn't part of sacrament meeting (there was a "real" pianist for THAT) but we had it at the start of our meetings before we separated for Primary or Relief Society or Priesthood (which is what we had first during church at that time).  Whatever the reason, I was asked to play the piano for our ward along with my friend Paul Gruwell {who was also 11 years old}.  Not only was I asked, but I agreed.  Can you even imagine??  I was terrified at the thought of playing in front of a bunch of people but I wasn't able to say no.  I remember the Bishop coming over to our house to talk to me and asking me if I would be willing to do it and I wanted to say "no" SO badly.  But I couldn't.  Deep down inside I knew that I needed to do this.  I agreed to accompany our ward even though my hymn-playing repertoire at that time consisted of exactly 3 songs -- "Come Follow Me," "Love at Home," and "Testimony" {Irony? Hahaha}.  Not to mention I wasn't even taking piano lessons nor were any a prospect in the near future.

So what does this have to do with how I gained a testimony?  Well, here is an excerpt from my talk:

On my first Sunday playing at church, "Love at Home" was effectively scratched off my repertoire list after I lost my place in the music so completely that I stopped playing.  The sudden silence must have thrown off the congregation a bit, because THEY ALL STOPPED SINGING and stared at me as I unsuccessfully tried to find my place again.  As you can imagine, I was completely and utterly mortified and never wanted to undergo such humiliation ever again.  I've never been able to remember what it was exactly that my parents did to persuade me to continue playing every other week, but I think it was here that I first began to gain a testimony of the power of prayer.

In these first desperate prayers I thought only of myself and prayed that at least if I messed up and stopped playing, the congregation would continue on without me.  As I gained more experience and confidence each time I played, I felt the comforting presence of the Spirit helping me not to mess up.  As time wore on I was able to look a bit outward as well.  Not only did I pray for myself, but I prayed for Paul as well.  I'm pretty sure we both needed all the prayers we could get!

This early experience only helped to cement what I had already learned and had believed all my life -- that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.  I think this knowledge is probably the premise upon which all the rest of my testimony is based.

 

{Here I am around the time our Branch was formed so I was probably about 13 or 14.  Emily (on the left) would have been about 12.}

So, there you have it.  In a nutshell, that is how I gained my testimony.  Little did I know then what I was being prepared for in the future.  Two years later, our stake was reorganized and the ward that I had grown up in was splintered into the New Orleans 1st Ward and the Uptown Branch of which my family was a part.  In this small, inner-city Branch, I was the only piano player in the bunch.  As the Branch pianist I played each Sunday until I left for BYU 5 years later.  As I learned more hymns and became a MUCH better sight-reader, I also learned that it's okay to make mistakes {even in front of a crowd}.  A very good lesson to learn.  And to this day it's one I think about every time I sit down to play in church.

{Eventually I was able to take real piano lessons and here I am at a piano recital at Loyola University.  For the sake of this post we'll just pretend it's me playing on the stage in the auditorium of the Jewish Community Center where we met for church during the first few years that the Branch was formed --  because the set-up is almost identical.}