Flashback Friday -- Once Upon a Time...

This week's flashback tells the rest of the story of us.  {The first part is here.}  For the first couple of months while we were dating, things were PERFECT.  It was easily the happiest I had ever been in my life.  Scott was great, my roommates were great, the prospect of finishing up my last year of college was great -- EVERYTHING was great.  And then...well, and then the bottom fell out of my world.  You see, when Scott and I were dating we inevitably came to the point in our relationship where the discussion of marriage came up and believe me when I say I started FREAKING out. 

"It is the plain and sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness.  Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our lives."  -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland,  Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence.

All of a sudden, I had no idea what I was doing.  Up until that time, I felt like everything was going so perfectly that it was only a matter of time before Scott and I got married.  Then came this tailspin -- I had no idea if I was doing the right thing anymore or if Scott was even the right one.  I was a complete and utter MESS.  I was racked with so much anxiety and worry and doubt that I was literally sick over it all.

My faith was floundering big time.  I felt lost and hopeless and uncertain and scared and pretty much paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice.  I was totally second guessing myself and the impressions and feelings I had already received.  When I went to my Bishop for counsel and advice, he gave me Elder Holland's talk to read, and almost every line in it spoke straight to my soul.  "Don't panic and retreat,"  he said.  "Don't lose your confidence.  Don't forget how you once felt.  Don't distrust the experience you had...With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing.  If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now...Face your doubts.  Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.'"

While these words most certainly gave me comfort in that moment and again at other key times, they did not always alleviate my uncertainty and confusion.  For the next 5 or 6 months -- essentially our entire courtship and engagement period -- I waged this inner battle to LET my heart be comforted with varying measures of success.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I did receive confirmation that Scott was the right one for me.  And at additional times throughout those months I experienced moments of illumination and peace.  But still.  After each and every peak of light came a dark valley of doubt and worry. Believe it or not, as we were driving up to Salt Lake on the morning of our wedding day it was still in the back of my mind that I could back out at the last minute if I needed to.  Never before had the scripture "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" rung truer to me then it did at that moment.  It wasn't until I had entered the temple and was sitting in the Celestial Room with Scott -- waiting to be married and sealed for time and all eternity -- that every single doubt and worry finally disappeared and I knew that I was in the right place with the right person.

And we are living happily ever after...

At our reception -- 30 April 2002.