Tender Mercies

To say this summer has been trying would be a vast understatement.  I worry sometimes that I give off this impression that I've got it all together here when in reality I am almost always one kid meltdown away from a nervous breakdown myself.  Today was a rough day.  Scratch that -- this has been a rough week.  Raising children is HARD.  So much harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Especially since my kids are not normal.  Each and every one of them is spirited in their own way.  What does that mean exactly?  Well, essentially it boils down to the fact that they are just more.  More intense, more emotional, more sensitive, more persistent, more everything than a typical child.  In a room full of regular balls, they are the super bouncy balls that are ricocheting off the walls, ceilings, and floors.  {Before crashing through and breaking all the windows in the room as well.}  

After a friend told me about a book called Raising Your Spirited Child a few years ago, I eagerly bought a copy and dove right in.  The first page practically had me in tears.  I'm not alone! I thought.  It's not just my imagination -- my kids really ARE different!  Things that work to help control normal kids do not work as well or at all for spirited children.  The persistence and tenacity of my kids {such as when they're in the middle of a meltdown or freakout session} is astounding.  They will literally carry on for hours and hours without any sign of relenting.  In short they have a way of wearing me down completely.  Hence the rough week and summer.  There is nothing so frustrating as feeling like you have ZERO control over your children especially when you are trying your hardest to do everything you can possibly think of to help them toe the line.  

Now don't get me wrong.  I love my children.  They are great and wonderful and have tremendous potential and capabilities -- I wouldn't have them any other way.  I don't want to break their spirit, I only want to harness it.  To help them realize their potential.  I know that these little spirits were sent to me for a reason.  I am rather spirited myself, for one thing, but aside from that I have ALWAYS had a soft spot in my heart for the spirited child.  Even before I knew what the term meant.  But that doesn't make it easy to take care of them day in and day out.

My point in bringing all this up tonight is that today I reached a breaking point.  Dealing with screaming and fighting children for most of the week finally took its toll and by about 10 o'clock this morning I was an emotional mess.   I was already crying before church started -- not a good sign -- and as the day wore on the tears continued to flow.  Scott has meetings before church every Sunday which leaves me on my own to get myself and all 5 kids ready for church.  I'm usually able to shower and get ready while Alex takes a nap but he didn't really want to do that today.  As I got out of the shower and heard him screaming I yelled for Ethan to take him down and watch him so I could get dressed.  I came downstairs 15 minutes later to a completely trashed house with no one completely ready to go, Jane and Alex both in the bathroom with the door shut -- Jane playing with the soap in the sink and Alex putting who knows what in his mouth -- and needing to leave in the next 5 minutes.  

It was while I was trying to change the baby's diaper and get Jane changed out of her sopping wet dress that I first started to cry.  The kids -- to their credit -- seemed concerned and tried to step up their game to get us to church on time.  Unfortunately, none of that good behavior followed them and they were their usual loud and unruly selves as we filed into our pew near the front of the chapel minutes before church started.  More tears threatened to spill as I realized how loud they all were, how big a distraction we were to everyone around us, and how completely alone I was as Scott was sitting up on the stand to help bless the sacrament because he's the Young Men's president and we don't have a lot of young men.  I made it through half of sacrament meeting before retreating to the mother's room to feed Alex and then allowed myself to hide out there for the rest of the meeting because I just didn't think I'd be able to hold it together if I went back into the chapel.  

Why is this so hard? followed quickly by I just can't do this! is what I thought during many a moment throughout the morning.  I was in a defeated and despairing state of mind.  And then towards the end of church things began to turn around.  I recognize it as a tender mercy of the Lord that I was able to sit in Relief Society today and actually pay attention without having the baby there as a distraction.  The lesson was on Elder Nelson's talk Thanks Be to God, and as I sat there I was struck {once again} with how incredibly important gratitude really is.  And how many things I have to be grateful for even in the midst of difficult trials.  I was touched by comments from the good sisters in my ward and from conversations afterwards with friends.  My heart was touched and humbled as the afternoon wore on to see how NOT forgotten I was by the Lord.  In another tender mercy we came home to a message on our answering machine from our sweet neighbor whose grandkids had just gotten back in town and really wanted the older ones to come down and visit.  With Jane napping and Alex fed and happy Scott and I were able to spend a peaceful afternoon together.  After the week we've had this was truly a blessing.  The blessings continued to roll when a friend from church called to invite us over for dinner and the cherry on top was when Ethan and Grace went off to spend the night with their neighbor friends leaving us to an entire NIGHT of peace and quiet and no fights at bedtime.  

And even though Scott had to spend some of that time at a Youth fireside at the bishop's house, our happiness continued at home when I convinced Sophie and Jane that we could have a "sleepover" here and painted nails, played games, and ate chocolate chips out of fancy cups.  My cup is truly running over.  I am reminded once again of this scripture:

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.  (Mosiah 24:14)

I know the Lord visits us in our afflictions.  He loves us.  We are never truly alone.  I am so grateful for so many things, but most especially for that knowledge.  My cup runneth over.